Spike Milligan and the Pytons's Farthing Wood: Part Two
by Hansemist
Summary: More Surreal Hilarity from The Norwegian Goon, As the Animals of Farthing Wood, make their way into their new home more hell breaks loose!


Farthing Wood: The Parody

Slaughtered and butchered from The Books by Colin Dann

Adapted By Spike Milligan. Jr.

Narrator: Lord Arksefordley who owned the entire state and some parts of Farthing Wood.

"Sped-up Machine Gund sound recording"

Fox: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET BY HIM, WE CAN'T EVEN DISTRACT HIM!

Mr. Pheasant: I don't think there is no other option but to surrender...

Weasel: I've got an idea!

Fox: What is she doing!?

Weasel: *vibratoed* *off-key* Early one morning, just as the sun was rising. I heard a maiden singing from valleys below! Oh, don't deceive me! HOW COULD YOU LOSE A POOR MAIDEN SO!?...

"long silence interrupted by extremely-fast machine gun fire"

Weasel: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...

"creaking followed by loud thud"

Fox: *irritated* Great!... NOW WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL SOMEONE CAN HELP US GET TO THE WHITE DEER PARK FASTER!

Narrator: Later That night The animals decided to find sanctuary in a Church nearby!

"Church bell striking-speeded up and slowed Down"

Narrator: While the animals were resting for the night a the Church, weasel was being nursed for her wounds and brought back to life!

Weasel: *horrified* AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...…

Everyone: SHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Weasel: *frightened* I just had a nightmare!...

Fox: There is nothing to be scared of!...

Narrator: Then it was morning!...

Fox: *yawns* So early?...

Weasel: *snoring* ….No ...No ….NO AHHHHHHH! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!...… GET OFF ME YOU PERVERT!

Fox: Weasel... Weasel!... ….WEASEL!

Weasel: *fully awake* AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fox: WEASEL IT WAS A JUST A BLOODY DREAM!

Weasel: *horrified* BUT IT FELT SO REAL!

Fox: *Irritated* For goodness's sake, Weasel!

Gran Squirrel: *half-awake* What's all that noise?

Fox: Weasel just had a nightmare, again!...

Narrator: Then…

"choir singing-sped up and slowed down, followed by crying and wailing also sped up and slowed down".

Fox: Oh no, what now!?….

Gran Squirrel: What's all that racket!?

Mrs. Pheasant: Looks like a funeral procession!...

Mr. Pheasant: Looks like we better hide before it's too late!

"Sped up machine gun recording".

Fox: QUICK! IT'S LORD ARSEFORDLY! MAKE A BRACE FOR IT!

Weasel: AAAHHHHHHHHHH!

The Animals: *screaming and panicking"

Badger:*Over record* BRACE FOR IT!

"Battlefield sound record, planes diving, etc.".

Narrator: Later they made it to a motorway!

"Motorway traffic sound record"

Mr. Pheasant: How are we supposed to cross the road?

Gran Squirrel: Aren't you supposed to see if it's safe?

Mrs. Pheasant: No! I am!

"Engineer's YEEEEEEEEEE..., Gradually sped up and slowed down, then fading away"

Gran Squirrel: But ladies aren't supposed to cross the road until the men have made it over!

Mrs. Pheasant: Well, I do!

Gran Squirrel: You don't!...

Mrs. Pheasant: I do!..

Gran Squirrel: You Don't!

Mrs. Pheasant: I do!...

Gran Squirrel: …You don't!

Mrs. Pheasant: ...I do!...

Gran Squirrel: …You don't!

Mrs. Pheasant: I do!...

Gran Squirrel: ...You don't!...

Mrs. Pheasant: I do!...

Gran Squirrel: You don't!

Mrs. Pheasant: I DO!...

Gran Squirrel: You Don't! You don't how to cross the road!

Mrs. Pheasant: …. I do!

Gran Squirrel: ...You don't!

"awkward silence

Gran Squirrel: You don't!..

Mrs Pheasant: IDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDO! IDOKNOWHOWTOCROSSTHEROAD! IDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDOIDO!

Mrs. Pheasant: I'll just cross it anyway!...

"Lorry passing by abruptly"

Mr Pheasant: What happened!?….

Gran Squirrel: No idea?...

Vixen: Oh no!...

Gran Squirrel: Who are you?

Fox: That's a vixen, my new mate!

Gran Squirrel: My last mate died after being struck by a garbage can falling from the air!

Narrator: Later, all the animals made it across the road with the exceptions of an elderly hedgehog couple who spent their last honeymoon here!

Seagoon: Is this the end? Is it over?...

Fox: Wait this isn't the end yet! We haven't got halfway through!

"spade hit"

Fox: OOOOOH!...

Seagoon: As the White Deer Park came into sight they cheered with joy!

*1923 Markles Orchestra record, cut off by explosion*

Weasel: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...

*explosion followed by crash*.

Weasel: *over grams* OWWWWWW!...

*respberry blow*

Vixen: *getting annoyed* *sigh* On second thought let's go somewhere else!...

*whine followed by loud thoud*

Seagoon: That was Vixen getting hit by large carp fallng from the sky!

*The Monkees's "Then i saw her face", cut off by rapsberry blow*

Mr Pheasant: I still can't feel my privates!

Major Bloodnok: TAKE THAT YOU EVIL FIEND!

*whoosh*

Weasel: *over grams* AAAAAAH!...

*crash followed by crashing, glass breaking, items falling and metal clanking*.

Seagoon: That' up for the listener to decide! But those of you who can't see, that was Major Dennis Bloodnok testing his sword against a living wall!

Vixen: Let's just hope that...

"Wallace Greenslade: The BBC presents "Vintage Goons" another ser..."

*explsion*.

Vixen: I don't even know why we even got here?...

Seagoon: QUICK! Put on an Elvis Presley-imitation before Vixen complains about her American De-constipation unit!

*Stan Freberg's "Heartbreak Hotel", then explosion and crahses*

*silence*

*rapsberry blow*

Seagoon: Curses!

*Drunk singing and fighting, yodeling, off-key violin and other weird noises*

Seagoon: Now lets countinue with our story! As the animals of Farthing Wood arrived in White Deer Park it was already occupied!

Blackberry: Oi! I'm trying to poo!

Fox: Finally made it! no More humans, No more danger noe more...

*whine followed by explsion*

Fox: I spoke too soon didn't i?...

Warden Seagoon: *distance* MAKE WAY, MAKE WAY, MAKE WAY!

*parade music sped up and slowed down*

Weasel: *over grams* *off-key* AND I LOVE SINGING TO THE PARADE THAT COMES FROM NOWHERE...

*whine followed by explosion*

Seagoon: Thank you!

Bluebottle: *Weasel sinks slowly into underpants, but has none.*

Seagoon: And now we have Mr Scarface and General Woundwort speaking about certain affairs!

*dogs barking, crashing sounds, fists fighting and battlefied nioses*

Seagoon: Let's listen to other side!

*Thomas the tank engine-theme, sped up and slowed down*

Seagoon: Good night, folks!

*Norwegian folk music, gradually speeding-up*

"Musical End Theme-Max Geldray with Crazy Rythm". 


End file.
